Life is good. Life is simple. I'm a dad and I love it. But here's the thing. I would like to be in a relationship. Ultimately, I would like to be married again. Right now, I feel like I'm singing solo and, even though I am making beautiful music, I could make even better music in a duet.
I'm not alone. I don't feel incomplete. Quite the opposite. I'm more complete than I have ever been. Yes, at times I am lonely. But that is different than being alone. I believe that in a relationship:
1 + 1 = 1
What I mean by this is, you take one whole and healthy person and you add to them one whole and healthy person and you get one whole and healthy relationship. By the same token, in a relationship:
1/2 + 1/2 = 1/2
If you have two incomplete people that are looking for someone else to complete them, to make them happy, you're not going to get a complete or healthy relationship.
Dating at the age of 45 with 4 kids is a strange thing, and this past year of masks and social distancing hasn't helped. When I do find someone to date, it is often weeks or months between dates. Coordinating schedules with kids, work, etc. is not easy. And I'm usually more willing to rearrange my schedule than the other person - which is disheartening and telling.
Where I live, it is very common for people to marry and have kids starting at a young age - like early twenties. I didn't have my first kid until I was 27. This has also made dating difficult because a good portion of the women my age don't have kids at home anymore and don't want to start over with my young kids. My youngest is currently 9.
I also want to find a person of my same faith. My church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, has high standards of living and I've found it hard to find someone who shares all my values even if they belong to my same church.
There are other things that have also made it hard for me to find someone to date and form a romantic relationship with. I want to date someone close to my age and shorter than me. Yeah, I said it. Shorter than me.
Lately, I got to thinking, what are my hang-ups with age and height? There is a very cute girl at my gym who is 16 years younger than me and either my height or an inch taller. She is smart, funny, and I enjoy being around her. Why don't I ask her out? The conclusion I have come to is that I'm worried about what other people will think. I've never wanted to be "that guy". You know, the one that is always hitting on younger women. But I realized something recently. I was letting what other people think hold me back.
Who cares if someone else thinks this woman is too young for me? Who cares if people think it odd that I'm with a girl that is taller than me? To be honest, the only person's opinion that I should be interested in is hers. So, I did it. I asked her out. She said yes. We have a dinner date for this weekend.
Now, let's get real and talk about my worries. I do worry that when I am 70 she will only be 54. Will I be able to keep up? I worry that if we were to have kids would it be fair to them to have a dad in his late 60's when they graduate from school. I worry that I could die and she could be alone for many years or have to date and remarry.
OK. Here's the mental health side of things. Stop! Don't worry about what others think, and don't be thinking about the end of the relationship when it hasn't even started yet. Don't over complicate things. Don't overthink things. Just let it happen, and if it does happen, I can talk to her about some of these concerns in an open and loving way. If it doesn't happen, none of it matters anyway.
As an interesting side note, my grandparents on my dad's side had a 13 year age difference. They were married for 53 years and loved each other very much. My grandpa was 56 when my dad was born.
